Okay so I’m in therapy because I was sexually abused as a child, I’m a drug addict and a rape victim. My mom passed away 15 months ago and we used together. So when I decided to quit subs, which I’m 2 months off of now, I went back to my therapist. She wants me to blog about “the middle ground”. So, my middle ground doesn’t exist. I don’t have one. Sometimes no limits.. I used to but I’ll get into that later. I’m either all in or all out, one extreme or the other. I realized how I used to be a scared little virgin and now I’m fearless and have no self worth so I fuck whoever. It makes me feel worthless and a lot of times I disassociate while having sex because of my rape. I just feel ugly and fat and having sex just makes me feel worse about it. I torture myself. I can’t be completely sober either and sometimes I don’t know if I will ever be okay with no drugs.. that’s the extreme I take.
“If someone were to die at the age of 63 after a lifelong battle with MS or Sickle Cell, we’d all say they were a “fighter” or an “inspiration.” But when someone dies after a lifelong battle with severe mental illness and drug addiction, we say it was a tragedy and tell everyone “don’t be like him, please seek help.” That’s bullshit. Robin Williams sought help his entire life. He saw a psychiatrist. He quit drinking. He went to rehab. He did this for decades. That’s HOW he made it to 63. For some people, 63 is a fucking miracle. I know several people who didn’t make it past 23 and I’d do anything to have 40 more years with them.”—