Okay so I’m in therapy because I was sexually abused as a child, I’m a drug addict and a rape victim. My mom passed away 15 months ago and we used together. So when I decided to quit subs, which I’m 2 months off of now, I went back to my therapist. She wants me to blog about “the middle ground”. So, my middle ground doesn’t exist. I don’t have one. Sometimes no limits.. I used to but I’ll get into that later. I’m either all in or all out, one extreme or the other. I realized how I used to be a scared little virgin and now I’m fearless and have no self worth so I fuck whoever. It makes me feel worthless and a lot of times I disassociate while having sex because of my rape. I just feel ugly and fat and having sex just makes me feel worse about it. I torture myself. I can’t be completely sober either and sometimes I don’t know if I will ever be okay with no drugs.. that’s the extreme I take.
“If someone were to die at the age of 63 after a lifelong battle with MS or Sickle Cell, we’d all say they were a “fighter” or an “inspiration.” But when someone dies after a lifelong battle with severe mental illness and drug addiction, we say it was a tragedy and tell everyone “don’t be like him, please seek help.” That’s bullshit. Robin Williams sought help his entire life. He saw a psychiatrist. He quit drinking. He went to rehab. He did this for decades. That’s HOW he made it to 63. For some people, 63 is a fucking miracle. I know several people who didn’t make it past 23 and I’d do anything to have 40 more years with them.”—
“Maybe we’re all just looking for someone who cares enough to try. Someone who has never had the best memory, but remembers the little things about you. Someone who has always been a little shy, but opens up to you. Someone who has never been good at keeping a conversation going, but can’t shut up around you. Someone who hates driving on the highway, but spends hours on it to get to you. We’re not hoping to change them, no, we’re just hoping to matter enough to them.”—i wish i mattered enough to you (via depresant)
“Sext: I saw you for the first time in 3 years yesterday and all of a sudden I was 15 again and it was January and I still thought that love smelled like stale Christmas trees and tasted like snow. And we became adults together and fell apart like adults do because they don’t know anything more than children.
Sext: I saw you for the first time in 3 years yesterday, but you did not even act like you recognized me and suddenly I am 18 and it is June and love smells like melting asphalt and tastes like blood.”—"The First One" by Claire Luisa (via claireluisa)