I am 23 days off subs….. i caved and bought xanax sunday.. they per .5 MG and I got 50 so they’re like almost gone….. ugh whatever. I just can’t sleep and they help and idk I hate being sober.. i feel like I failed but I mean I’m still 23 days off of subutex and that counts for something right? Idk.
Yesterday was hell. I opened so I was at work at 630 am. It was a mop day which makes for an even longer day. My mind kept telling me how bad everything hurt. I wonder if that will ever stop. The aches and pains most people feel I’m not used to at all. I was numb for so long it’s weird to feel things again. When I got home it was late and I needed to wind down and try to sleep and I was nervous for today because Saturday is always a busy day at McAteer’s. My dad came in and talked me off my cliff. He told me how happy he was to have his daughter back and how he was happy he didn’t have to worry all night about what I was doing or if I was in jail. He’s right. I know I never want to take subs ever again. I’m 20 days clean. Why would I throw 20 days away to the worst fucking drug ever created. I have other cravings though. Like for pills and I probably always will. It will get easier I guess. Today was great compared to yesterday. I got through work… it wasn’t even busy and I made $105.. i know my prayers were answered. I know I’ll have to face the rough days eventually because they’re coming. I’ll get through a busy day at work.. i just had help before. Now I have to function like a normal person. I have plans of going back to school and actually making something of myself. Eventually. It will take time. 20 days is a lot of days but 28 will feel better. 30. 100. Then I can say a year. Then years. And I’ll live life and work through everything that makes me use and I will be okay. I’ve learned my strength in the past 20 days. I get so depressed because I think of what I missed out on the past 2 years and what I continue to miss out on because I’m supposed to be working recovery. I just have to know that even though I can’t get that time back, I have a future and beautiful things will and can happen to me. I have to trust in God and his plan for me. I have to believe it’s a good one. So yesterday sucked. Today was incredible. Hopefully I sleep tonight like I did last night. I’m starting to think I’m on the downhill part of the sub withdrawal process. A bad day could stumble upon me again.. when it does I just have to pray. Pray that God heals my fragile soul… I’ve had so much support from coworkers, my dad and brother, friends. I am blessed and lucky. There’s no need to be sad about what I’ve missed because I’ll be out there again. ♡
“Why do they always teach us that it’s easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It’s the hardest thing in the world—to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want.”—Ayn Rand (via observando)