Today is my birthday everyone.  I’m 20 and it’s my first birthday without my mom… I’m sitting in my room feeling sorry for myself.  What a way to enjoy my birthday. Ha.

I REALLY NEED TO GET LAID… LIKE HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO FIND A MAN TO FUCK ME. UGH. I want sex tomorrow. If I don’t get it I will be soooo pissed. also, I don’t wanna work on my birthday but I open at 630 am…. lyfe sux

one year ago today a man took away my trust in mankind. he took my hope. he took the life from inside me. he ruined and changed all that I am. I will never be the same person. I will always be damaged. one year ago today I was raped.

somebody, anybody talk to me…. inbox me.. go anon. idc. I just need someone to talk to.

It’s just shocking that someone can literally be in love with you and stalk your life for years.  They never leave you the fuck alone. Then somehow it becomes a sexual thing. They still act like they care and then you fuck them and suddenly you aren’t important.  You don’t mean as much as you did before. You’re disposable. I know I’ve gained weight since we met, but my insides haven’t changed.  I’m basically the same girl I was when I was 15. I don’t know why you don’t care about me anymore and it fucking sucks. You finally got to “bang” me but it shouldn’t change anything. I hate men.  Why I let it bother me I have no idea because I used to care less. It shouldn’t be me coming to you whenever you want. It should be mutual and it should be when I want to sometimes too. The time you asked me to come then fell asleep on my way there and I drove all the way to your house.. I left crying.  Like it fucking hurt my feelings so bad. Now it’s been like months.. I have no idea why you don’t want me. I’m pathetic and disgusting.  That’s it.

Then, I go and fuck this piece of shit dude because you won’t have anything to do with me. I leave there feeling like a complete whore. It was fun, we got fucked up, we had sex. It wasn’t the same though. It didn’t feel the same and I wasn’t as comfortable. I talked to him probably a few times after that. We hung out a few times but we never had sex again. I have no clue why because that’s all I wanted from him. Literally this guy was a total whore in the past and I was so stupid for fucking him. Thank god we used a condom.

Then, Jesus, I was so fucked up like a week ago. I was hanging out at my friends house and this guy I went to high school with happens to message me on Facebook.  I end up having him come over to my house.  Everything was fine. We were making out, fooling around, whatever. I did everything I could and his dick would not get hard. Like, holy shit…. so of course we try and try and he can’t get it up.. I felt like a failure.  I felt like it was me. It was my fault.  He informs me that no I’m perfect,  he had smoked METH and that’s why he couldn’t perform. This kid honestly didn’t peg me as someone who would smoke meth but whatever floats your boat I guess. It was fine, we get dressed.  He stays and we talk and smoke cigarettes for a few. I get a message the next morning on Facebook from him saying I should get plan b just in case.  Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve never heard of someone getting pregnant from having a limp dick inside them. It’s not fucking possible you fucking idiot.  I’m on birth control even if it were somehow possible.  It isn’t.  I tell him this. In a nice way of course. I get on a little later and that mother fucker blocked me… you have no idea how shitty that made me feel. I don’t know if he was just embarrassed or what. If it’s because he thinks im magically pregnant. Just wow.. what an immature piece of shit. I’ve never had that happen to me. Of course I think it’s me.. that I’m so disgusting and that’s why he blocked me. Who the fuck knows. If he smokes meth he’s obviously got issues.  Still, I’m annoyed and fucking hurt about it.

My point is that I’m young.  I don’t know why but I’m easy and I’m becoming a whore. It’s because I’m lonely and I have no self esteem.  I’m just trying to feel something.  I would love to have someone I can have sex with regularly.  You know like someone who will actually have me over when I want to come or come here to my place when I want them to, but I can’t get that. I’m so frustrated.  I just wanna have sex a lot.  All the time. I don’t know why but how fucking hard is it to find someone to fuck me? I must just be an ogre. I honestly feel like I’ll never see you again and you’re the only one I actually liked having sex with. This post is too much information but it’s my blog.  I’m horny and I’ll say whatever the fuck I want.  I’m not hot anymore but I’m gonna be a whore until I get some self respect and learn to love myself.  I can’t help but say yes. Sex makes me feel better.

The more you face the truth, the angrier you will probably become. You have a right to be angry about being sexually abused. You have a right to be angry with the perpetrator, regardless of who it was, how long ago the sexual abuse occurred, or how much he/she has changed.
Beverly Engel

Many Survivors blame themselves for the abuse and continue to feel responsible and guilty for anything bad that happens to them or to other people they know. Survivors often feel bad about themselves and different from other people. They therefore isolate themselves from other people and avoid making close friendships.

He pulled my skirt up. I began to worry. Everyone knew he had broken in girls before and I didn’t want it to happen to me. I said, ‘No. Get off, please.’ He pulled me down the alley and pushed me to the ground. As I lay on my back worrying about my new blue coat, he pushed his fingers up between my legs — and rammed himself into me. I was crying. His lips were pressed against mine but I was motionless, like a small corpse. He grunted and I knew it was over. He got up, I just lay there on the ground, my tights round my ankles. The clock was striking twelve.
Tracey Emin

The silences after his last gasp were sung together by a blackbird. I lay there, my eyes unable to close. His were unable to open. I listed the places where I hurt, and how much. My loins felt ripped. Something inside had torn. There were seven places on my body where he had sunk his fangs into my skin and bitten. He’d dug his nails into my neck, and twisted my head to one side, and clawed my face. I hadn’t made a noise. He had made all the noise for both of us. Had it hurt him?
David Mitchell, Ghostwritten

She couldn’t get any farther away inside from her skin. She couldn’t get away.
Cynthia Voigt, When She Hollers

Come back so I can say yes this time. Do it again now that I know what to call what you did. This time I’ll be ready. I like it rough now and I’m done with romance. I never met another man who loved me so much at first sight that he had to hurt me to do it.
Daphne Gottlieb, Why Things Burn

Now, should we treat women as independent agents, responsible for themselves? Of course. But being responsible has nothing to do with being raped. Women don’t get raped because they were drinking or took drugs. Women do not get raped because they weren’t careful enough. Women get raped because someone raped them.

Sorry I haven’t been on here

my mom lost a very long struggle on may 24. she passed at about 1:00pm. I might write later in more detail of what it was like to be with my mom as she gained her wings. I miss her more than anything. I’ve never known a pain like this. she was truly my best friend and I miss her more than I can explain. it’s been a stressful year. I’ve gained so much weight I can’t even look in the mirror. i’m sorry I haven’t been on here, I just didn’t have the time with my mom being sick. I took care of her until the end. if you have any questions inbox me. love yall who stick with me <3

i’ve spent the last five months missing someone who moved on days after we ended things. sometimes i feel crazy. i don’t even talk to him. i’m afraid to. it’s so true that your first sticks with you. it’s not like i had a one night stand. i thought we would last a long time and then because of my problems he gave up on me. i would have done anything for him. i still care about him deeply and i wish he felt the same way. to him i was just another bump in the road, but to me he was everything. he made me happy when i was going down the wrong road. then, although i don’t blame him, after we were over i kept making bad desicions because i felt like i was worth nothing. it’s been so long and i should be so over it, but i’m not. i spend time with this guy and i really like him, but it doesn’t feel the same. i just don’t know how you move on. i don’t know how to stop loving him. i mean we were only together 2 months. we broke up when he went to college, but he told me things like our love meant something and we were meant to be together and he would wait for me to sort things out and he even said he knew we would get back together. it meant nothing. i just wish he knew how much i loved him. that i still do and although he’s in love with someone else now what we had meant and still means a lot to me. someday when we’re older i hope we can be friends. when i’m better i want him to see that i’m an amazing person. not this terrible person that he thinks so lowly of. anyone who knows me would tell you that i’m a good girl. that i’m worth so much more than being left behind, seeing him so happy makes me happy and i’m glad he found someone better to him than i was, but i tried. and it makes me incredibly sad that i only spent a summer with him. i wish so badly he would have stayed because maybe i would have been okay.

why does it always come back