my mom lost a very long struggle on may 24. she passed at about 1:00pm. I might write later in more detail of what it was like to be with my mom as she gained her wings. I miss her more than anything. I’ve never known a pain like this. she was truly my best friend and I miss her more than I can explain. it’s been a stressful year. I’ve gained so much weight I can’t even look in the mirror. i’m sorry I haven’t been on here, I just didn’t have the time with my mom being sick. I took care of her until the end. if you have any questions inbox me. love yall who stick with me <3
i’ve spent the last five months missing someone who moved on days after we ended things. sometimes i feel crazy. i don’t even talk to him. i’m afraid to. it’s so true that your first sticks with you. it’s not like i had a one night stand. i thought we would last a long time and then because of my problems he gave up on me. i would have done anything for him. i still care about him deeply and i wish he felt the same way. to him i was just another bump in the road, but to me he was everything. he made me happy when i was going down the wrong road. then, although i don’t blame him, after we were over i kept making bad desicions because i felt like i was worth nothing. it’s been so long and i should be so over it, but i’m not. i spend time with this guy and i really like him, but it doesn’t feel the same. i just don’t know how you move on. i don’t know how to stop loving him. i mean we were only together 2 months. we broke up when he went to college, but he told me things like our love meant something and we were meant to be together and he would wait for me to sort things out and he even said he knew we would get back together. it meant nothing. i just wish he knew how much i loved him. that i still do and although he’s in love with someone else now what we had meant and still means a lot to me. someday when we’re older i hope we can be friends. when i’m better i want him to see that i’m an amazing person. not this terrible person that he thinks so lowly of. anyone who knows me would tell you that i’m a good girl. that i’m worth so much more than being left behind, seeing him so happy makes me happy and i’m glad he found someone better to him than i was, but i tried. and it makes me incredibly sad that i only spent a summer with him. i wish so badly he would have stayed because maybe i would have been okay.
i wish i could explain the extent to how fucked up of a human being i am. i’m terrible.
i was supposed to go on a date tonight and i bailed. the reason is because i feel too fat and ugly to go. sad. i fucking want to die when i look in the mirror.
i feel completely dead. one year ago, i wasn’t drinking, i didn’t smoke weed.. i was using benzos, but not destructively. i didn’t go to school. that’s bad, but i mean i was a hell of a lot better off back then. i didn’t cut. i was pretty skinny and recovered from my bulmia. i was still unhappy, but i didn’t think my life would be in shambles like it is right now. everything is a disaster. i moved back to my grandparents and they’re suffocating me. they’re being so nice and loving and honestly i just want them to leave me the fuck alone. i think i want to be sick. i want to use drugs. i want to live with my mom who has been this sick for years. i became her. i vowed to myself at a young age that i would never become my mother, but i have. my whole family hates me. the only people i can tolerate right now are my brother and my dad. i worked this weekend. i used my last 3 pills on saturday and the past three days have been hell. my grandpa says if he ever finds out that i’ve taken another pill he’s gonna have me arrested and the person i got it from arrested. since everything that happened i honestly couldn’t want pills more. i only started using pain pills like a month ago and i’m honestly hooked. i would give anything to feel the immediate relief that sets in when you snort a bean. i used to think benzos were awesome, until i tried opiates. the sick thing is my mother was right there with me. she’s the one who let me become like this and i miss her. i wanna live in her house. i wanna be this person and i can’t be and i’m pissed. i’m fucking pissed. if i just never would have told my friend about what happened none of this would have came about. i would be okay, i would be able to use. i’m pretty much on lockdown. nobody trusts me. luckily, i’m allowed to smoke cigarettes in the garage. i know that i’m a mess, but i don’t care about anything anymore. living or dying. failing or succeding. i just wanna numb, medicate, and forget. i can’t find anything. i had no idea i’d be kicked out of house immediately. i thought i’d be able to stay there and use drugs until i left for rehab and i’m pissed about it all. i never used to be this bad person. i used to smile and laugh. i used to love. i used to be the nicest girl you’d ever meet. shy, but sweet. people used to like me. now the whole world crashed down on top of me and i’ve honestly never felt a sickness in my soul like i do now. i don’t know how to fix anything and i wanna be a million miles away from everyone and everything.