Okay so I’m in therapy because I was sexually abused as a child, I’m a drug addict and a rape victim. My mom passed away 15 months ago and we used together. So when I decided to quit subs, which I’m 2 months off of now, I went back to my therapist. She wants me to blog about “the middle ground”. So, my middle ground doesn’t exist. I don’t have one. Sometimes no limits.. I used to but I’ll get into that later. I’m either all in or all out, one extreme or the other. I realized how I used to be a scared little virgin and now I’m fearless and have no self worth so I fuck whoever. It makes me feel worthless and a lot of times I disassociate while having sex because of my rape. I just feel ugly and fat and having sex just makes me feel worse about it. I torture myself. I can’t be completely sober either and sometimes I don’t know if I will ever be okay with no drugs.. that’s the extreme I take.
I feel so helpless and worthless everyday. My life is going nowhere and it’s all my fault. I don’t have the strength to fix it and I’m so scared.
Yeah so I was fucking a 17 year old. . Just fucking out of boredom or whatever. .. it’s been a month or so since we started hooking up. Sometimes he’d bring friends and I’d fuck them too.. i was just being a whore. I didn’t care who I just wanted sex. Well the one main one and I fucked last night, he was trashed.. thus afternoon he asks me for a ride and I said yeah. I gave him a ride home. . He said hit him up if I wanna fuck tonight. I said okay. Idk what I did wrong. He blocked me on Facebook when everything was fine today and I gave him a free ride.. i can’t help but think something’s wrong with me.. like I’m fat or disgusting. . But he’s fucked me a few times so I don’t get it.. i get on there to hit him up and I’m blocked.. completely blocked. . His Facebook is still there. I’m just blocked. Idk what I did. I was nice to him. I let his use me.. idk why I care. I had no feelings for him. I just don’t understand what changed.i texted him and asked him why he blocked me but no response. Idk if it’s cause he came in me the last couple time we hooked up but I’m on birth control. It doesn’t matter. I feel so used and worthless about a 17 year old fuck.
I am 23 days off subs….. i caved and bought xanax sunday.. they per .5 MG and I got 50 so they’re like almost gone….. ugh whatever. I just can’t sleep and they help and idk I hate being sober.. i feel like I failed but I mean I’m still 23 days off of subutex and that counts for something right? Idk.
I’m in “recovery” from drug addiction, yet I have just a few benzos left. I would kill for some opiates. I mean I want a clean life. Right now I’m forced to. I wanted off the stupid fucking subutex. I never want to take it again. But, oxycodone would be soooo fabulous right now. I know I can’t find any. It’s just if I could I would.. I’m always going to want to. You have no clue unless you’ve experienced an opiate high. It’s such euphoria. The dozing off.. the not feeling anything. I would kill for that feeling. I miss my old connections from before the subs. I wanna be clean, but I’m always going to be down to get high.. i mean I’ve been taking benzos anyways so how the hell am I even in recovery. All I know is I feel like I’m living in hell. I don’t want my life anymore.
If only i had a life… so sick of being bored in fairmont. I need a fresh start.
I guess I could start my story as a child.. maybe when I was 17.. maybe I was destined to have this life and the issues that come with it. Being an addict is the worst thing in the world. I have done so many things I am and will forever be ashamed of. Today I am 10 days clean off of subutex. I feel like hell and I wonder when it’s ever going to end… if it’s ever gonna end. Some people say two weeks. Some say 30 days. I know I will never be the same again. Who I was before is forever gone. I don’t remember her anymore. When I was little I grew up watching my mother struggle with addiction. The things she did and said to me are incomprehensible. She died because of it. I always should have known better. When I was 17 I started exercising and dieting. I developed into Bulmia.. i lost 50 pounds and for the first time in my life I felt beautiful. It was never enough. I got sick and messed up my electrolytes which caused heart problems. I started having severe panic and anxiety attacks. I couldn’t even go to school. One day my mom gave me a little green pill.. it was minty. I let it dissolve on my tounge.. and that’s when it all started. I started stealing her klnopin from her and then her percocet. It was all fine and dandy until it stopped working… my tolerance was too high. So, a girl I worked with introduced me to subutex. It has ruined my life. It takes all my money. It numbs my emotions. I never even grieved my mother’s death because for 3 years I have been numb. I can’t lie. I would kill for some pain pills right now.. Fuck I would even resort to heroin just to stop feeling shitty. But, I’m never ever touching subutex ever again. I’m done. And I’m saying goodbye.
I think I might be losing my fucking mind. Last night, this kid I didn’t even know messaged me on Facebook. We started talking and it got sexual.. so we planned to meet up that night.. he asked if he could bring his friend so we could have a 3 some…. One of them graduated high school this year. The other will be a senior in the fall. They’re both 17 at the moment. I’m a 20 year old grown ass woman. Soo at 230 I went to pick them up. We parked behind the east/west stadium. They fucking took turns fucking me in the back seat… One went and then the other… i feel awful. I had to take work off today cause I didn’t get home til 5. They’re definitely 17… One of them was a sloppy ass kisser.. there was no foreplay… but of course I went down on him. .. the other one didn’t even kiss me and he likes his dick rubbed with feet… then he came on my toes. Neither of them wore a condom.. I’m on birth control so I shouldn’t be worried… and they pulled out. They thought I was awesome. I know they’re gonna brag so hard about fucking a 20 year old. Sometimes I’m pathetic… i want sex with one person, but it’s not like he even wants me.
I have to be up at 5am and at work by 630 and I can’t sleep. . of course. I wish I had someone to talk to. I’m sick of feeling alone.
Just made a dentist appointment and called my old therapist shannon who was so happy to hear from me and is more than happy to talk with me again. She is just incredible and I’m glad she wasn’t mad I up and disappeared before. I was talking with her before the rape occurred and she was there after. . She just really wanted me to be clean and I didn’t want off the drugs so I quit going. I hope we don’t have that problem this time because I don’t want to be clean. We’ll see how it goes. I have two things that needed done checked off on my list. It feels good to be worried about me and it feels good to take care of myself. (: I’m so ready to feel better and be free again.
Sooo… I really really like this guy. Idk why. Idk what it is. I literally talked to him for like a week before we hooked up. He’d liked just about every picture I posted on Facebook for months and there’s a message in my Facebook inbox from him from 2012 when I was still in high school telling me how beautiful I was. I saw his name popping up all the time but never really thought about it. After my mom died he messaged me saying his mom had died like 5 years ago and if I ever needed to talk about anything he was there for me. I don’t think I even responded honestly. Well a few weeks ago he messaged me and for some reason I started writing back. He gave me his number and we started texting. He seemed cool. He seemed really nice. He asked me to send him pics. . I was like of what? He was like of you. And of course I’m like, “naked?”. He said no he just meant me but he wouldn’t turn those down.. so I sent him normal pictures and then of course somehow I ended up sending naked pictures and he sent a dick pic. We talked and made plans to hang out.. they fell through like 2 times. So one night he finally comes over and of course you know we talked on my bed for a good amount of time and then of course you know what happens next. The kissing starts and all that.. which btw he is an awesome kisser like I could just make out with him all day and I’d be happy with just that. Well I was on my period so at some point I had to tell him.. i did. I felt bad so I gave him head which took like FOREVER. I never tasted anything but he swore he came. He was nice to me.. he rubbed my back a little while I recovered from the hour of sucking dick. He stayed a little bit after and he left.. he kissed me goodbye.. i had a hicky or a strangle mark on my neck from him for like days after lol. ( he likes choking girls) or at least he chocked me. we texted and stuff after that. One night he was at a bar and needed a pack of cigs and I took him a pack.. he kissed me and gave me 10 bucks and told me to keep the change.. it was for the gas and for doing it. He said I was forever in his debt.. he texted me after I left and said I seemed mad at him. I told him no I wasn’t mad I just had a bad day but really I was just on xanax and xanax makes you a zombie. Anyways so he told me I should come over later if I was done.. (meaning my period) and he’d make me feel better. .. (meaning sex). I said if I could stay awake. . I didn’t. I passed the fuck out. I woke up with like 6 texts and a missed call from him. So the next day was memorial day and that night he asked me to come over.. i was barred out and of course said yes because xanax makes me so horny… well I went and I picked a movie and we laid there watching it for a little bit.. then stuff starts happening. He went down on me.. A man has never made me orgasm and I ALMOST did…. almost. It was that good. It just takes me a while and I wish now I would have had one. I mean it was amazing. I sucked him off.. then I got on top and he like pulled me in and started like ramming me. He’s clearly into rough sex which I totally dig because I love being submissive.. i like to be roughed up. Anyways he didn’t last. It was over in like 30 seconds. . And he said he was mad about it but he hadn’t had sex in 7 months. I stayed a little longer and then I left. When I was leaving he said text him when I get home and I did.. he said “k good”. I said “Goodnight (:” and he said back “night”. No babe. No cutie… so there was a sign. Well he did text me the next day. It was like a picture of food and he was just short and idek. Well I didn’t hear from him after that not for days. He hasn’t liked anything on Facebook. So 2 nights ago I texted him “hi” because I couldn’t take it anymore. .. he took a while to text back but he said “hey sorry I haven’t hit you up shit has been fucking stupid lately” I said back “k”… then he wasn’t texting back so I said “I’m here if you need to talk”. He instantly texted back “thanks”… that was 2 days ago.. idk why it bothers me so much. Idk why i like him so much and I’m so fixated on him.. idk why I can’t accept it was another worthless one night stand.. i just didn’t think he’d do that to me considering how we started talking because our moms are dead.. idk he was just nice and sweet and now it’s nothing. I can’t accept it. It’s driving me fucking crazy… is it cause I’m fat? Did I do something wrong? Why can’t a guy latch on or like me? I want to fall in love I want that so bad.. i think if I just had someone there I would feel better. .. i mean I didn’t think he would become my boyfriend but I thought he’d at least respect me. He’s just another guy that’s used me on a list that just keeps growing when I really like him. A lot. I like that he’s 26 and knows what he’s doing. I want him to want me so bad. But he doesn’t. I’m never enough. I’m good for one fucking lay and then that’s it? At least with some of the others we fucked more than once.. or they kept talking to me and hanging out… This is only the 2nd time a guy has completely just used me for the night. . 3 times if you count when I was raped but I try really hard not to think about that. .. I’m just crushed and I feel like I shouldn’t be. Like I literally broke down crying over this guy.. Wtf is wrong with me and why won’t anyone stay?
Sometimes I wonder why I like sex now so much more then I did when I was skinny and before I was raped. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Why do I enjoy sex when rape ruined who I am?
I just want someone to touch me so bad. I’m empty. I need someone to make me full and whole.