i’ve spent the last five months missing someone who moved on days after we ended things. sometimes i feel crazy. i don’t even talk to him. i’m afraid to. it’s so true that your first sticks with you. it’s not like i had a one night stand. i thought we would last a long time and then because of my problems he gave up on me. i would have done anything for him. i still care about him deeply and i wish he felt the same way. to him i was just another bump in the road, but to me he was everything. he made me happy when i was going down the wrong road. then, although i don’t blame him, after we were over i kept making bad desicions because i felt like i was worth nothing. it’s been so long and i should be so over it, but i’m not. i spend time with this guy and i really like him, but it doesn’t feel the same. i just don’t know how you move on. i don’t know how to stop loving him. i mean we were only together 2 months. we broke up when he went to college, but he told me things like our love meant something and we were meant to be together and he would wait for me to sort things out and he even said he knew we would get back together. it meant nothing. i just wish he knew how much i loved him. that i still do and although he’s in love with someone else now what we had meant and still means a lot to me. someday when we’re older i hope we can be friends. when i’m better i want him to see that i’m an amazing person. not this terrible person that he thinks so lowly of. anyone who knows me would tell you that i’m a good girl. that i’m worth so much more than being left behind, seeing him so happy makes me happy and i’m glad he found someone better to him than i was, but i tried. and it makes me incredibly sad that i only spent a summer with him. i wish so badly he would have stayed because maybe i would have been okay.
i wish i could explain the extent to how fucked up of a human being i am. i’m terrible.
i was supposed to go on a date tonight and i bailed. the reason is because i feel too fat and ugly to go. sad. i fucking want to die when i look in the mirror.
i feel completely dead. one year ago, i wasn’t drinking, i didn’t smoke weed.. i was using benzos, but not destructively. i didn’t go to school. that’s bad, but i mean i was a hell of a lot better off back then. i didn’t cut. i was pretty skinny and recovered from my bulmia. i was still unhappy, but i didn’t think my life would be in shambles like it is right now. everything is a disaster. i moved back to my grandparents and they’re suffocating me. they’re being so nice and loving and honestly i just want them to leave me the fuck alone. i think i want to be sick. i want to use drugs. i want to live with my mom who has been this sick for years. i became her. i vowed to myself at a young age that i would never become my mother, but i have. my whole family hates me. the only people i can tolerate right now are my brother and my dad. i worked this weekend. i used my last 3 pills on saturday and the past three days have been hell. my grandpa says if he ever finds out that i’ve taken another pill he’s gonna have me arrested and the person i got it from arrested. since everything that happened i honestly couldn’t want pills more. i only started using pain pills like a month ago and i’m honestly hooked. i would give anything to feel the immediate relief that sets in when you snort a bean. i used to think benzos were awesome, until i tried opiates. the sick thing is my mother was right there with me. she’s the one who let me become like this and i miss her. i wanna live in her house. i wanna be this person and i can’t be and i’m pissed. i’m fucking pissed. if i just never would have told my friend about what happened none of this would have came about. i would be okay, i would be able to use. i’m pretty much on lockdown. nobody trusts me. luckily, i’m allowed to smoke cigarettes in the garage. i know that i’m a mess, but i don’t care about anything anymore. living or dying. failing or succeding. i just wanna numb, medicate, and forget. i can’t find anything. i had no idea i’d be kicked out of house immediately. i thought i’d be able to stay there and use drugs until i left for rehab and i’m pissed about it all. i never used to be this bad person. i used to smile and laugh. i used to love. i used to be the nicest girl you’d ever meet. shy, but sweet. people used to like me. now the whole world crashed down on top of me and i’ve honestly never felt a sickness in my soul like i do now. i don’t know how to fix anything and i wanna be a million miles away from everyone and everything.
i was raped this morning. i went to a guy’s house to buy pills. my drugs were found. i trusted my friend if i told her to not tell anyone because i didn’t want to press charges. she told her dad and all hell broke loose. my grandparents found out i was buying pills off of the man who raped me. and now everyone is treating me like it was my fault i got raped. my best friend said she told because she’d rather lose a friendship than me end up dying. i am appaled. i feel betrayed. i feel disgusting because of the rape. i can’t even explain what i’m feeling right now. my grandparents want to send me away. my mom only cares that she doesn’t get in trouble because she was outside in the car while he raped me. i can’t handle this. i have never felt more worthless in my life. it’s all my fault and now my life is completely unraveling. my grandparents took my phone so i have no idea if the cops went to his house, but i refuse to do a rape kit. i’m not going through all of this legal stuff. i was best friend’s with my rapists daughter as a kid and i never dreamed it would have happened. her whole family is crazy and they’ll come after me if i press charges, i know it. plus, he’ll say i was buying drugs. i feel like i let it happen, but i just froze and blacked out. i’m ashamed and dirty. my whole entire family knows and now i’m getting treated like the worthless person that i am. i guess i got what i deserved. i’m denying the rape if the cops come. i can’t do this. i can’t handle this. i have never felt so gross. i don’t know what is wrong with me.
i have never felt more disgusting and ugly in my whole life. my depression is killing me.
It would have been so much easier for me if you would have just outright said that you weren’t ever going to come back to me. But you wouldn’t and you didn’t because that’s who you are. You wouldn’t let me go even though you let me go as soon as you knew you had me.
when i was little, i had a cousin that sexually abused me. from the time i can remember until i was about 8 or 9 and finally told on her. nothing became of me telling. my grandma held me while i sobbed and after that nothing really happened. i stopped talking to her. and then out of nowhere when i was about 13 we started hanging out. we’d go shopping. go out to eat. she became a part of my life like the abuse never happened. a few days ago, she saw the cuts on my arms and sent me the rudest and most hurtful text i’ve ever read. she called me immature and stupid. she said i didn’t appreciate the people in my life that do things for me. she said people have it worse. she asked me if i wanted to be a waitress the rest of my life. she just basically told me that my issues, everything i’ve been through meant nothing because people have it worse. i didn’t say what i really wanted to say so i’m coming here to tell her. i wanted to say : why do you think i am the way i am? where do you think my anxiety came from? i had my first panic attack while you were abusing me. i wanted to tell her that what she did sent me into a dark place at a young age. that what she did to me made me want to kill myself at the age of 9. that if maybe she hadn’t done that i’d be different. i’d have been a little better. what she did to me has nothing to do with what my mom did to my childhood, but she stole my innocence. she took a huge part of my childhood. she made me feel dirty and bad. she made me feel scared and weak. i wanted to tell her all those things and i wish i could. i wish i could have said that. maybe someday i can talk to her about it. she’s married now and has a baby due. she said that she texted me those things because she loves me and she doesn’t want me to end up like my mom, but when i read those texts i felt that control again. i felt how she abused me. i felt like a scared 9 year old girl. i don’t hate her. i hate what she did to me. i have my problems now. i’m very fucked up, but what she did to me started me down this path. i was destined for failure and she had a huge part of that. all i’m saying is i hate what you did to me and i hope you feel bad. i don’t know if it happened to her, but i hope it didn’t because to this day it haunts me. you haunt me.