my life as of now

let’s see.. everything is pretty crappy at the moment. i really don’t think details are important, but i just know i want to get better. my therapist is a God send. I absolutely love her. the best part is all she is is a therapist. she can’t prescribe me meds which in my opinion is awesome. my last therapist was a complete pill pusher. all she would ever talk about in our sessions was my meds and the serotonin levels in my brain and i’m sure most of you all know the scoop. she’s awesome though. she makes me understand and come to terms with stuff i forgot even happened and the way she connects the events in my life to how i am today is unreal. so i’m putting a lot faith in my sessions right now. i had to withdrawl from college. i feel guilty and i disappointed everyone in my family. so essentially i feel like the biggest failure in the world right now which completely hinders my strive towards “postitive thinking”. my mom completely has my back though. she totally gets it and has helped the fall from grace not feel as rough. my grandparents have always put me on a pedestal. in everything. especially singing and writing. i mean i’m good at those things so i get why perfection seems like the only option, but i mean there’s only so much i can be. sometimes growing up, the pressure was unreal.. i couldn’t handle it. i feel like the biggest disappointment to my grandpa because i was always a “quitter” as he says it. he always has compared me to my mom or my older brother or my dad when i mess up and i’m not them. s, my therapist and i, talk about it a lot. about him. the huge fights about school are consistent. he’s screaming at me just about everyday about what a huge fuck up i am. even though i believe it most of the time, s is trying to show me that it’s not true. she’s amazing and helpful and she makes me feel like i’m not a terrible person for being sick. i mean. i’m sick right now. at least mentally. just towards myself. my self destruction as been at a prettty high point lately. she doesn’t judge that though. she just tries to help me connect all this stuff. sometimes i get scared. sometimes i get confused, but for the most part she does her job and she helps me. i’m getting a nutritionist so i can stop with the ednos habits. and the whole self harm thing. i don’t wanna get into it, but we’re working on it. so basically, i just want to get healthy. i want to be better by january so i can start fresh at a school away from home closer to my friends and away from all the bullshit. mom keeps telling me that i can’t run from my problems, but running from them feels like the only way out sometimes. maybe in january i’ll have everything figured out and i won’t be running from anything. main goal is to fix ali. it seems selfish, but before i can be a better daughter, sister, friend, cousin, granddaughter, i have to fix me. and i’m learning that slowly. i just want to look at myself one day and i want to be proud and accomplished. i don’t want to be sick or an addict or whatever the hell everyone thinks i am or am going to be. i wanna be the best me i possibly can be, and that ali is somewhere and she’s a good person. s talks about my heart, how it’s good, i never believe her, but i want to someday. so now i take her advice. i go to work. i take 4 mile walks everyday. i pray. i’m just trying to get myself out of this hole. and someday i will. i just hold onto the slightest bit of hope and i’m okay. i love you all. talk to me. i’m here. i know what you’re all struggling with and if there’s anything you need to talk about just go to my ask box and i’m here. xo - ali

my mom… slowly, but surely became someone i didn’t know… i miss her. i miss who she was. she was beautiful… she was full of life. more than anything. i don’t want to be her.


my “venting” post was seen by people who know me… i’m mortified and disgusted with myself.. i totally forgot that my tumblr was linked to my twitter… so, yeah. i love all of my followers and supporters, but it’s funny that my privacy feels violated when i’m the idiot who put all of that online while my accounts were linked. it was linked for at least a month so you all would know it was me on twitter. who knows what people saw… i don’t even think twice when i make posts. now everyone is going to know what a screw up i am. i feel sick. people are judgmental. i mean my best friends don’t know about this site or half the self destructive things i do. just jay. and we have been best friends since we were babies. she doesn’t judge. she just listens. so now i’ve deleted my twitter and i’m trying to forget that i made the stupidest move in the world. FOOT IN MY MOUTH. :(

follow me on twitter my dears (: i follow back.

so weird that i haven’t been on tumblr. i’m thoroughly enjoying my time in California with my best friends. <3

i just graduated highschool. bittersweet&#8230; i don&#8217;t know how i feel yet.. congrats though to the class of 2012. i&#8217;m going to an all night lockin called project graduation. then at 6 tomorrow i leave for the airport &amp; i&#8217;ll be flying to san diego CALIFORNIA&#8230;&#160;! &lt;3

Reblog if you’re 18 or older and still a virgin.

(Source: be-stongerthanthe-pressure)

if you all would follow me on twitter @_alisummers it would make my day (: i follow back !

sorry for so many pictures. &lt;3 goodnight

my mom is struggling horribly with anorexia right now.. it&#8217;s hard to see. i feel so helpless because i can&#8217;t help her. she used to be so beautiful and full of life.