Okay so I’m in therapy because I was sexually abused as a child, I’m a drug addict and a rape victim. My mom passed away 15 months ago and we used together. So when I decided to quit subs, which I’m 2 months off of now, I went back to my therapist. She wants me to blog about “the middle ground”. So, my middle ground doesn’t exist. I don’t have one. Sometimes no limits.. I used to but I’ll get into that later. I’m either all in or all out, one extreme or the other. I realized how I used to be a scared little virgin and now I’m fearless and have no self worth so I fuck whoever. It makes me feel worthless and a lot of times I disassociate while having sex because of my rape. I just feel ugly and fat and having sex just makes me feel worse about it. I torture myself. I can’t be completely sober either and sometimes I don’t know if I will ever be okay with no drugs.. that’s the extreme I take.
He brutally raped me and that makes me a victim. I don’t want to be a victim anymore.. these days I’m tougher than I ever thought I’d ever wanna be.
Holy shit I am so fucking stoned right now I can’t even handle it. I have never been this high lol. I took 4 tramadol too. I’m so fucked up. I don’t even know.
Yeah so I was fucking a 17 year old. . Just fucking out of boredom or whatever. .. it’s been a month or so since we started hooking up. Sometimes he’d bring friends and I’d fuck them too.. i was just being a whore. I didn’t care who I just wanted sex. Well the one main one and I fucked last night, he was trashed.. thus afternoon he asks me for a ride and I said yeah. I gave him a ride home. . He said hit him up if I wanna fuck tonight. I said okay. Idk what I did wrong. He blocked me on Facebook when everything was fine today and I gave him a free ride.. i can’t help but think something’s wrong with me.. like I’m fat or disgusting. . But he’s fucked me a few times so I don’t get it.. i get on there to hit him up and I’m blocked.. completely blocked. . His Facebook is still there. I’m just blocked. Idk what I did. I was nice to him. I let his use me.. idk why I care. I had no feelings for him. I just don’t understand what changed.i texted him and asked him why he blocked me but no response. Idk if it’s cause he came in me the last couple time we hooked up but I’m on birth control. It doesn’t matter. I feel so used and worthless about a 17 year old fuck.
I am 23 days off subs….. i caved and bought xanax sunday.. they per .5 MG and I got 50 so they’re like almost gone….. ugh whatever. I just can’t sleep and they help and idk I hate being sober.. i feel like I failed but I mean I’m still 23 days off of subutex and that counts for something right? Idk.
Omg I want a life. And I don’t Wanna be on my period so I can go have fun tonight. Ughhh.
Yesterday was hell. I opened so I was at work at 630 am. It was a mop day which makes for an even longer day. My mind kept telling me how bad everything hurt. I wonder if that will ever stop. The aches and pains most people feel I’m not used to at all. I was numb for so long it’s weird to feel things again. When I got home it was late and I needed to wind down and try to sleep and I was nervous for today because Saturday is always a busy day at McAteer’s. My dad came in and talked me off my cliff. He told me how happy he was to have his daughter back and how he was happy he didn’t have to worry all night about what I was doing or if I was in jail. He’s right. I know I never want to take subs ever again. I’m 20 days clean. Why would I throw 20 days away to the worst fucking drug ever created. I have other cravings though. Like for pills and I probably always will. It will get easier I guess. Today was great compared to yesterday. I got through work… it wasn’t even busy and I made $105.. i know my prayers were answered. I know I’ll have to face the rough days eventually because they’re coming. I’ll get through a busy day at work.. i just had help before. Now I have to function like a normal person. I have plans of going back to school and actually making something of myself. Eventually. It will take time. 20 days is a lot of days but 28 will feel better. 30. 100. Then I can say a year. Then years. And I’ll live life and work through everything that makes me use and I will be okay. I’ve learned my strength in the past 20 days. I get so depressed because I think of what I missed out on the past 2 years and what I continue to miss out on because I’m supposed to be working recovery. I just have to know that even though I can’t get that time back, I have a future and beautiful things will and can happen to me. I have to trust in God and his plan for me. I have to believe it’s a good one. So yesterday sucked. Today was incredible. Hopefully I sleep tonight like I did last night. I’m starting to think I’m on the downhill part of the sub withdrawal process. A bad day could stumble upon me again.. when it does I just have to pray. Pray that God heals my fragile soul… I’ve had so much support from coworkers, my dad and brother, friends. I am blessed and lucky. There’s no need to be sad about what I’ve missed because I’ll be out there again. ♡
It is incredibly sad that I have no friends… my life has gone to shit since high school. It’s crazy, but I miss it too much. I actually had a life.
I think I might be losing my fucking mind. Last night, this kid I didn’t even know messaged me on Facebook. We started talking and it got sexual.. so we planned to meet up that night.. he asked if he could bring his friend so we could have a 3 some…. One of them graduated high school this year. The other will be a senior in the fall. They’re both 17 at the moment. I’m a 20 year old grown ass woman. Soo at 230 I went to pick them up. We parked behind the east/west stadium. They fucking took turns fucking me in the back seat… One went and then the other… i feel awful. I had to take work off today cause I didn’t get home til 5. They’re definitely 17… One of them was a sloppy ass kisser.. there was no foreplay… but of course I went down on him. .. the other one didn’t even kiss me and he likes his dick rubbed with feet… then he came on my toes. Neither of them wore a condom.. I’m on birth control so I shouldn’t be worried… and they pulled out. They thought I was awesome. I know they’re gonna brag so hard about fucking a 20 year old. Sometimes I’m pathetic… i want sex with one person, but it’s not like he even wants me.
God bless whoever created xanax. It makes me not give a fuck.
Just made a dentist appointment and called my old therapist shannon who was so happy to hear from me and is more than happy to talk with me again. She is just incredible and I’m glad she wasn’t mad I up and disappeared before. I was talking with her before the rape occurred and she was there after. . She just really wanted me to be clean and I didn’t want off the drugs so I quit going. I hope we don’t have that problem this time because I don’t want to be clean. We’ll see how it goes. I have two things that needed done checked off on my list. It feels good to be worried about me and it feels good to take care of myself. (: I’m so ready to feel better and be free again.
let’s see.. everything is pretty crappy at the moment. i really don’t think details are important, but i just know i want to get better. my therapist is a God send. I absolutely love her. the best part is all she is is a therapist. she can’t prescribe me meds which in my opinion is awesome. my last therapist was a complete pill pusher. all she would ever talk about in our sessions was my meds and the serotonin levels in my brain and i’m sure most of you all know the scoop. she’s awesome though. she makes me understand and come to terms with stuff i forgot even happened and the way she connects the events in my life to how i am today is unreal. so i’m putting a lot faith in my sessions right now. i had to withdrawl from college. i feel guilty and i disappointed everyone in my family. so essentially i feel like the biggest failure in the world right now which completely hinders my strive towards “postitive thinking”. my mom completely has my back though. she totally gets it and has helped the fall from grace not feel as rough. my grandparents have always put me on a pedestal. in everything. especially singing and writing. i mean i’m good at those things so i get why perfection seems like the only option, but i mean there’s only so much i can be. sometimes growing up, the pressure was unreal.. i couldn’t handle it. i feel like the biggest disappointment to my grandpa because i was always a “quitter” as he says it. he always has compared me to my mom or my older brother or my dad when i mess up and i’m not them. s, my therapist and i, talk about it a lot. about him. the huge fights about school are consistent. he’s screaming at me just about everyday about what a huge fuck up i am. even though i believe it most of the time, s is trying to show me that it’s not true. she’s amazing and helpful and she makes me feel like i’m not a terrible person for being sick. i mean. i’m sick right now. at least mentally. just towards myself. my self destruction as been at a prettty high point lately. she doesn’t judge that though. she just tries to help me connect all this stuff. sometimes i get scared. sometimes i get confused, but for the most part she does her job and she helps me. i’m getting a nutritionist so i can stop with the ednos habits. and the whole self harm thing. i don’t wanna get into it, but we’re working on it. so basically, i just want to get healthy. i want to be better by january so i can start fresh at a school away from home closer to my friends and away from all the bullshit. mom keeps telling me that i can’t run from my problems, but running from them feels like the only way out sometimes. maybe in january i’ll have everything figured out and i won’t be running from anything. main goal is to fix ali. it seems selfish, but before i can be a better daughter, sister, friend, cousin, granddaughter, i have to fix me. and i’m learning that slowly. i just want to look at myself one day and i want to be proud and accomplished. i don’t want to be sick or an addict or whatever the hell everyone thinks i am or am going to be. i wanna be the best me i possibly can be, and that ali is somewhere and she’s a good person. s talks about my heart, how it’s good, i never believe her, but i want to someday. so now i take her advice. i go to work. i take 4 mile walks everyday. i pray. i’m just trying to get myself out of this hole. and someday i will. i just hold onto the slightest bit of hope and i’m okay. i love you all. talk to me. i’m here. i know what you’re all struggling with and if there’s anything you need to talk about just go to my ask box and i’m here. xo - ali